Fake My Life
by Shinomori Maru
Summary: A slightly angsty songfic, Chichiri POV. Some spoilers, and a little shounen-ai depending on how you look at it. Read and review, thanks!


Author's Note: This is my first fanfic ever, even though I've been lurking around FF.net for a year or two reading other people's stuff. So here's my angsty Chichiri songfic (guess what it's about! Yeah, I know, it's been done before…). It takes place after the TV series but before the first OVA. So, a few spoilers for both, really. A little tiny bit of shounen-ai, so if you don't like that sort of thing, don't read it. Feedback welcome, flames will be ignored/deleted. Arigato!

Disclaimer: I do not own Fushigi Yugi or its characters. Yu Watase and some other people do. I also do not own the song _6 Underground_, the Sneaker Pimps do.

Other disclaimer: I don't have Chichiri's "no da" in his thoughts, because I think he's being sort of serious here. 

**Fake My Life**  
by Fujimiya Maru

I think I became a monk for all the wrong reasons. Sure, I realize I had my duty as a Suzaku Seishi, but… even that doesn't seem like a good excuse. After what happened when I was a teenager, I looked for ways to escape my pain. Death wasn't an option; I doubt Suzaku would have let me rest in peace before the miko arrived! Becoming a monk, at least… gave me the emotional and physical distance I needed at the time. But, now it's all over, and I wonder why I still cling to that precious distance. 

_Take me down, 6 underground,  
The ground beneath your feet  
Laid out low, nothing to go  
Nowhere a way to meet_

Suzaku was summoned, Konan saved, and Miaka-chan sent back to her world. I sort of wonder why I'm still here. Most of the seishi lost their lives in the battle. I've gone back to wandering, just like before Miaka-chan arrived, as if nothing ever changed. Well, sort of. Tasuki has been traveling with me. We're the only ones left. He's breaking down my need for that precious distance, and I don't know if I can or want to stop him. 

I still rise early in the morning and pray. I carry my shakujo, wear the same garments that I donned when I first became a monk. Lately, my routine has seemed more and more like an act. Just like my mask that covers my scar, I use my faith to cover up what I'm really feeling. They both feel fake, no matter how I try to convince myself otherwise.

_I've got a head full of drought,  
Down here, so faroff losing out, Round here  
Overground, watch this space,  
I'm open to falling from grace_

Hikou… It's all your fault. I'm not saying what I did was right, but if you hadn't… You're the one that started it; you made me who I am now. A homeless vagabond, scarred inside and out. I really loved you – both of you. She would have been better off with you, actually. I would have had to leave, to fulfill my duty to Suzaku and Miaka-chan. You could have given her the life I wanted to give her. 

The man I used to be died that day, along with you and Kouran. Does that make you happy?

_Calm me down, bring it round  
Too way high off your street  
I can see like nothing else  
In me you're better than I wannabe_

I'm no longer the man you knew, Hikou. I am Chichiri of the Suzaku Seven. Well, I was. Am I still needed as Chichiri now that it's over? If not, who am I now? What would you think of me, if we were reunited now?

_Don't think 'cos I understand,  
I care, don't think 'cos I'm talking we're friends  
Over ground, watch this space  
I'm open to falling from grace_

I'm pretending to meditate again. It drives Tasuki absolutely crazy; he's a man of action, not contemplation. I find that I continue my practice not to find peace and balance, but to watch Tasuki squirm. When he pouts, his fangs stick out and he looks like a little kid. It's cute.

At some point, he got past my defenses. I don't know when it happened, probably some time between when Tamahome beat him up in Kutou and when we fought Nakago in Miaka-chan's world. When Tasuki asked if he could travel with me after it was all over, I was confused. I didn't know if I was happy or totally freaked out. Why would he want to stay with me, with a whole mountainful of bandits waiting for his return?

_Talk me down, safe and sound  
Too strung up to sleep  
Wear me out, scream and shout  
Swear my time's never cheap_

It's been nearly two years now, traveling together. Wandering with him is so different from my lonely journey before I met him. He's so full of energy, so open with his emotions… I can pretty much read his feelings as if he were a book. He's accepted me completely, even though he doesn't know my past. I wonder if I should tell him. He hasn't asked, but he did request that I stop wearing the mask. He said it bothered him because it looked so fake.

I guess my scar doesn't bother him, then. It seems to bother plenty of other people… 

_I fake my life like I've lived too much,  
I take whatever you're given, not enough_

I feel stupid, being a monk when I'm with him. It's like I'm denying myself everything, when he enjoys life to the fullest. I may be older than him, and fairly wise, but I've been feeling like an unexperienced loser lately. But my faith is like a security blanket – I don't know if I can let go of it completely. I've been wondering… if I chose to let go, would Tasuki be there for me?

_Overground, watch this space,  
I'm open to falling from grace_

He's staring at me like I'm crazy again. I guess I've been pretty spaced out… But he's used to this by now, and just gives me that cute fanged grin. I suppose my maskless face reflects his right now; the sun is making his hair glow like real fire, and I can feel his warmth, joy, and strength reaching out to me. Maybe it's time to let go of this fake life, and start over. I have a feeling Tasuki will be there to catch me when I fall.

I reach out my hand to him, and he takes it without breaking his grin. Falling wasn't so hard after all.

~owari~ 


End file.
